The Burr  
History and Genealogy Site

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Philosophical and some tastless jokes

A Buddhist monk went up to a hot dog cart and said "make me one with everything".

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Men's wearhouse has pants half off today.

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When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig,
 he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
 He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes;
 a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth
 and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
 Then they began fitting the pieces together.
 In less than a half hour,
 they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said,
 "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Harriet responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes ... I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

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A very rich man was about to die but he wanted to take his riches to heaven. He prayed and

prayed that he would be allowed to take at least some of it. Since the man was practically a saint

God spoke to him telling him that he could take one suit case full of whatever he wanted. He

chose to take gold bricks. He then passed away and appeared at heavens gate lugging his

very heavy suit case of gold bricks. The gate keeper said that he would not be allowed to enter.

He informed the keeper that he had special permission from God to bring it. After checking

with the boss the keeper agreed that he had to let the guy in but he insisted on inspecting the

contents of the luggage. When he opened the suit case he started to laugh uncontrollably.

He called all of the angels to look and they commenced  laughing also. After gaining control

they finally asked "why on earth would you want to bring a suit case full of pavement?"

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I wanted to be sure you heard this joke...  2 fish were swimming along
side by side and all of a sudden they ran straight into a concrete
wall.  1 fish turned to the other fish and said "dam."

PS  I heard that at lunch today when I was at the Seafood Disco, where
I was dancing so lively, I pulled a mussel.

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Rough Night Drinking......
A man goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk.
He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card.
He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at.
The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks into down and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so," the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar, "Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said the man. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous."
This continues all day until finally the man walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet."
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, "Hey Bill, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"
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> PHONE REPAIR
>>  > A Kansas farm wife called the local phone
>>  > company to report her telephone failed to ring when her
>>  > friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did
>>  > ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
>>  >
>>  > The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene,
>>  > curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a
>>  > telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
>>  > subscriber's house.
>>  >
>>  > The phone didn't ring right away, but then
>>  > the dog moaned and
>>  > The telephone began to ring.
>>  >
>>  > Climbing down from the pole, the telephone
>>  > repairman found:
>>  >
>>  > 1. The dog was tied to the telephone
>>  > system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
>>  >
>>  > 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was
>>  > loose.
>>  >
>>  > 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling
>>  > current when the number was called.
>>  >
>>  > 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start
>>  > moaning and then urinate.
>>  >
>>  > 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit,
>>  > thus causing the phone to ring.
>>  >
>>  > Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be
>>  > fixed by pissing and moaning.
>>  >
>>  > Thought you'd like to know.
>
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 Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Several years ago, Mike was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
 The warden saw that deep down, Mike was a good person and made arrangements for Mike to learn a trade while doing his time.
 After three years, Mike was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards
 and a large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Mike into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Mike refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but ...





... counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Home Depot
customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while
out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are
packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back
seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, & 24th 29th.

Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times
last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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A carpet is niether a car nor a pet. It is in fact a floor covering.
--me

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Statistics show that bread is bad. –Cook

Fact 1. 98% of all men arrested for violent felonies in 1973 had eaten bread
within the two days preceding the commission of the act.

Fact 2. 63% of all women becoming unwed mothers in the year of 1920
Had baked bread at least once within the year preceding the conception.

Fact 3. Even more startling, a study conducted in New York City schools
In March of 2002 revealed that 91% of stolen lunches involved bread.

Fact 4. The State of Idaho reports that a whopping 2.8% of all
commercial vehicles involved in traffic accidents on interstate
highways were carrying baked goods including bread.

Fact 5. As if that is not convincing enough, a recent study at UCLA
Medical College, using prison Inmates, showed that bread is actually
addictive. The study used 542 male prisoners whose diet regularly
included bread. When the said substance, bread, was withheld for just
two days, and the inmates were just given water (all they wanted of it)
99.9% or 541 of them were determined to have a severe craving for bread.
The other man could not continue in the study to its completion as he
died suddenly before the conclusion.

Fact 6. This study was even more revealing when it was discovered that
Bread was not only addictive on its own, but was found to be a gateway
leading to even more addictive and dangerous substances. Some that
were quite evident were butter, jelly and cold meats.

Fact 7. Finally, for now, (as I intend, now that my interest is piqued, to
spend a good deal of time delving into this) a Columbia University
proffessor has uncovered a little known fact, and that is that of all people
known to have eaten bread at least two times per week, in the year
1883, virtually none are living today.  
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NEWS FLASH! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane,
piloted by two Auburn University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and
Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging
continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

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HU’S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office.) 
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? 
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu ios leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Owidi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kof i?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kof i?
George: No
Condi: You don't want Kof i.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could Use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kof i.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks upthe phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?

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I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
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Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, “since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind
if we have sex first?” 
 
The woman said “Hell no…get away from me!”

The bum turned to leave and muttered, “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

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When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
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"All generalizations are false."
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?
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Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
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Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?
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Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
 
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If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?
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If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren’t people from Holland called "Holes?"
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Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
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Bumper Stickers:
 
Honk if you love peace and quite.

Pardon my driving, I’m reloading.
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Catcher in the eye:
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous woman
eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and
snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my goodness, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says, as she pops her
eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman
invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house,
and
after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next
morning. When he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him
breakfast
in bed.

The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this
Nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies....

 "You just happened to catch my eye."

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead.
Some bastard has stolen our tent."
------------------------------------------

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for and address,you turn the radio down?
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What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?

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If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damned fool about it.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
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"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
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A day without sun shine is like, night.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Dyslexics of the world, untie.
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Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
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If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the
pan?
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if you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
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I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and hand it to him.
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When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
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I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat
I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had
bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled
off the paint.
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Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
me?
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Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look
out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
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For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add
a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
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The real Theroy of Relativity is:
If your parents didn't have children, you probably won't either.
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Vincent Van Gogh (cuts off ear-passes it to his girlfriend):
"Here, darling..This is to prove that I love you with all my heart."
Girl: "Oh, thank you very much, my darling."
Van Gogh: "What?"
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"I became insane over long periods of horrible sanity."
-Edgar Allan Poe
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When I die I want to die peacfully in my sleep just like my
Grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like his passengers.
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
(This is so bad, it's really good.)
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
So there.

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General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers,
but imagine if they did....

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HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
these technical terms just to use my car?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some
more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it
for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to
keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built
in!"
----------------
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't
start now!
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash
any more!"
--------------------
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and
power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"
 

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A skeleton walks into a bar -
"A pint of beer and a mop please."
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
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What's another word for -thesaurus?-
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When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
if I'm leaving.
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy
them again.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.-
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -I'm home now, but
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.-
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I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
some of it.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
room-temperature.
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You can't have everything... where would you put it?
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I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me
if they can help me, and I say, -Have you got anything I'd like?-
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, -Extra medium.-
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I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me
are furious.
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I sat and wondered, as the light went from red to green and to yellow
then red again, "is that all there is is yelling and honking?"
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Why isn't phonetic spelled that way?
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Do you know the indestructible material they make those black boxes out of?
Why not make the whole plane out of it?
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Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?
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Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
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Why is it called cargo if sent by boat and a shipment sent by car?
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
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If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
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Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
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Why do they report power outages on TV?
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he
still wrong?

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

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Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.
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Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the hell out of the
dog.
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What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit-bull
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What is the difference between a peeping tom and a
robber? A robber snatches watches.
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If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it.
There's got to be a better way.
---------------------------------------------

* Viagra Slogans

THE TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA:

10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper
6. Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
Any questions?


-----------------------------------------
Dale had an unusual problem. When everyone else farted, it went
"thhhhhhhhht" but when he farted, it went "honda."
Dale went from town to town, from doctor to doctor, yet none could
help him. Finally, at a small clinic in Missouri, a doctor
recommended Dale sought the advice of a wise Chinese man in the area.
He said that he wasn't trained in the medical profession, but that he
could help him out anyway.
At the end of his rope, Dale went to see the Chinese man. He
explained his problem, and without even physically examining him, the
Chinese man said, "You have an abcess. Go back to the clinic and have
it removed." Reluctantly, Dale went back to the clinic, told the
doctor what the Chinese man had said. The doctor examined him once
again, and sure enough, found the abcess and immediately removed it.
Soon after the operation, Dale let a fart and it went "thhhhhhhht"
like a normal fart.
Dale rushed back to the Chinese man and began thanking him for the
help. "But wait a minute," Dale said. "How did you know, without
examining me, that I had an abcess??"
"Ancient Chinese proverb says," replied the Chinese man, "Abcess
makes the fart go honda."
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I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her
place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't
really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and
well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of
followed her to a McDonald's.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very
very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...
well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well,
really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very
close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we
were both in line.
Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it
was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair
was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my
own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though !
And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact
exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened
lil' bird look in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.
I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that
Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes "stalking" though.
I mean, come on, give me a break here.
But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here,
I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120
days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.
---------------------------------------------------------
Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married
Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to
look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the
best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3
empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it
back
under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary
could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am
so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into
the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I
gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put
an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to
do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but
I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation
does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the
years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked
Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
-------------------------------------------
 
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many places
they can hide."
--------------------------------------------
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
-----------------------------------------------
A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody
home." I went over.
Nobody was home!
------------------------------------------------- 
: An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful;the
: experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and
: the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people,
: no supplies, nothing.
: He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He
: was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months
: ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his
: rescue.
: One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side
: of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and
: her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality.
: When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "where did you come from?How
: did you get here?"She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.
: My cruise ship sank four months ago." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know
: anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky
: that a rowboat washed up with you."
: There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash
: up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled
: from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the
: sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."
: "But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?"
: "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island
: there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired
: it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron.
: But enough of that," she said. Where do you live?"
: The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to
: my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of
: the island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp
: rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not
: much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?" "No," he
: answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still,"
: said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?"
: Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her
: couch. After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a
: beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life."
: "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the
: upstairs bathroom."
: The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the
: cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge
: were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved,
: showered and went back downstairs.
: "You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more
: comfortable."After a short time, she returned wearing strategically
: positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she
: asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no
: companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss?
: Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really
: nice to have right now?"
: "Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me --
: Do you have an internet connection?"
---------------------------------------------
The other day I went to the local religious book store,
where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker.
I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm
really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I
was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of
people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to
honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because
pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus
Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with
him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else
started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved
and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have
been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him
waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of
squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was
the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very
nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I
couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker,"
or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He
must really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught
up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and
were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then
I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get
across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there.
I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held
up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the
Lord for such wonderful folks.
---------------------------------------------
Why is "abbreviation" such a big word ?
----------------------------------------
If a single bed is 3 feet wide , why is a double bed only
4 feet 6 inches wide?
---------------------------------------
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread ?
-------------------------------------------
Who discovered how to get milk from cows , and what was he
doing in the first place ?
-----------------------------------------
Why do aircraft toilet windows have frosted glass ?
-------------------------------------------------
Why does sour cream have a sell-by date ?
----------------------------------------------
If a brick lands on your head , can you claim a lump sum
from your insurance company ?
----------------------------------------------
Where do the sick people of Lourdes go to ?
------------------------------------------
 How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the morning ?
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Religions Of The World:
-Klinger
Taoism:
Shit Happens.
Hare Krishna:
Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding.
Hinduism:
This Shit Happened Before.
Islam:
If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage!
Zen:
What Is The Sound Of Shit Happening?
Buddhism:
When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit?
7th Day Adventists:
Shit Happens On Saturdays.
Protestantism:
Shit Won't Happen, If I Worked Harder.
Catholicism:
If Shit Happens, I Deserve It.
Jehovah's Witness:
Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens".
Judaism:
Why Does This Shit
always Happen To Me?
Rastafarianism: 
Let's Smoke This Shit.
Cyberism: 
If Shit Happens: http://www..... 


 
 
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
 
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
 
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.
 
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
 
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and
several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In
desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what could
be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day.
"Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman; it's your job to
bury the dead."
The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "but I thought I
should at least notify the next of kin."
--------------------------------------------------------
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at
work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend
"Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home
early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the
window! It's raining like hell out there!"
She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so
he started running along beside the others only he was still in the
nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him,
"Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having
the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying
your clothes on your arm?"
The nuddy answered breathessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at
the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Girl goes to vets office whith her dog that appears to be dead.
The vet puts the dog on the examination table looks at the dog. He
lifts a leg and it is limp and falls to the table . He lifts another
and it too falls to the table. Checks the head and gets no response.
He then informs the girl that there is only one way to tell for sure
and he goes and takes a cat from a cage .
Rubs the cat on the dogs belly.........NO RESPONSE
Rubs the cat on the dogs back....... NO RESPONSE
Rubs the cat all over and .............. NO RESPONSE

He then announces that the dog is dead and they go to the outer
office..
He tells the girl that the bill comes to $450!
She is astonished at the amount and asks "Why so much?"
Vet says the office call is $50
She asks" What is the other $400 for?"
HE answers:
*
*
*
For the CAT SCAN.................................
-----------------------------------------------------------
What has 60 legs and 12 teeth?
Front row at a Garth Brooks concert.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hid from spammers until I discovered the joys of flaming 'em.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Once this woman placed an ad in the local newspaper looking for a
suitable man.Then one day her door bell rang.She answered it and to
her dismay a man in a wheel chair with no arms and no legs was sitting
there.She says Can I Help You? He Says I'm here to answer your ad.She says
there must be a mistake. He says No Correct me If I'm wrong But this ad
says Your looking for someone who wont beat you and as you see I have no
arms,right? She says yea But..He says you also said you want someone who
wont run around on you and as you can see I don't have any legs,Right? She
says yea but I also said I want someone who's great in bed...He says Lady
how do you think I rang your door bell?
----------------------------------------------------------
>What do you call a midget clairvoyant that escaped from prison?

>A small medium at large.
--------------------------------------------------
Along the same lines....
What do you call a Philipino contortionist?


A Manila Folder
----------------------------------------------------
I heard Lorana Bobbit was in a car accident today....
Some prick cut her off.
------------------------------------------------------------
Your joke brings back unhappy memories. My gramps died in a concentration
camp...He fell out of the watchtower
---------------------------------------------------
"YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day
my ship came in."
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of
her language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home
with the kids."
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
Your school fight song has "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look
nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of
your car.
The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of
nature.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling
the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody
notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
Your family tree does not fork.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug
in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your
arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
clearance
restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that
begins
"For a good time time call..."
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with
beer
bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You call your boss "dude".
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for
toilet
paper.
Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
Your honeymoon was in Little Rock.
Your wife has more children than teeth.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask
for
them again.
Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your
back
pocket.
You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw
run her car at
the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a
shovel.
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct
yourself.
The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and
hang a left at the
woodshed."
You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a
coon you killed.
You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
14.You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
15.Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for
a bookmark.
16.You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and
radio to work.
17.Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
18.After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
19.You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
20.You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
21.The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
22.The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
23.Your grandmother stands up to pee.
24.A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
25.You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in
a fine hotel.
26.Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
27.The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get
out.
28.In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning
a deer!"
29.You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside
you.
30.You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
31.You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to
you.
32.You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room
as a conversation
piece.
33.You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
34.You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.
35.Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
36.One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
37.Your house has a kickstand.
38.You drive around a parking lot for fun.
39.You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
40.Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
41.Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".
42.Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
43.You have to duct tape your gloves on.
44.You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
45.Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the
tractor pull.
46.You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
47.You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
48.Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
49.You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
50.You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body
repair.
51.You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever
you
go for a drive.
52.You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
53.You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
54.You've ever been given a gun as a present.
55.Flannel is your favorite color.
56.You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
57.Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching
in his knee.
58.You have barnyard animals living in your house.
59.The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are
obscured
by a layer of
mud.
60.Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of
the rear pockets.
61.Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a
steady
hand."
62.You have got more bumper stickers than children.
63.Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair
to trudge thru the
wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the
other
pair to wear at
the funeral.
64.You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a
pickup,
particularly if it
belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
65.You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to
wash the dump dirt
from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
66.Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was
using it as a
brooder.
67.Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured
fowl.
68.You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When
you
looked in,
one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the
mirror, and was
currently fighting with said chicken.
69.Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the
front of the pickup
seat.
70.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored
on the window
ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have laid there long
enough for the sun to
bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
71.You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for
use
on possums.
72.You have ever shot a possum on your back porch. More particularly
if
you have ever
shot a possum on your front porch.
73.Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting
fowl.
74.One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically
unusable
due to nesting
fowl.
75.The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because
the fowl are
big enough to hurt them.
76.You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get
down any fowl that
was frozen to the roof.
77.You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than
your
vehicles.
78.You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the
house that you
could throw a rock and hit them.
79.You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
80.You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let
the goat out before
she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
81.Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the
laundry
room.
82.Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises
before they learned
to talk.
83.You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and
chewing
tobacco.
84.You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments
of $3.00.
85.You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use
it because they
won't come down your driveway to get it.
86.You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near
the mail box and
you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbor's
dogs
when they get
into it.
87.You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
88.The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your
wife....and wave to
her.
89.Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that
may
have grown in
them since the last time you went.
90.You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to
use
at a KISS
concert.
91.You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not
including 22
caliber.
92.You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
93.You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of
your
truck.
94.When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right
feet 50% of the
time.
95.Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's
Most Wanted".
96.You own more than two clappers.
97.You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at
Wal-Mart while the
automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
98.You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
99.You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
100.You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
101.You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
102.You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
103.Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no
blade.
104.You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
105.You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
106.You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
107.Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
108.The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack
Daniels the
other day.
109.The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of
Jack Daniels
"over yonder in them hills."
110.Your moustache is longer than your wife's hair.
111.Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a
hook.
112.Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.
113.Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip
net.
114.City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving
ground
for new
recruits.
115.You think Tang is in the fruit group.
116.You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have
trouble with your
ABC's.
117.You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
118.You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
119.Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
120.You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
121.You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
122.The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
123.You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives
names.
124.You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong
suspicion that mud
and rust is all that's holding it together.
125.You're watching the Beverly Hillbillies and the mention of Granny's
pickled owl
gizzards throws a craving on you.
126.Your horse wears shoes in the summer, but you don't.
127.It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in
>trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it til' she's fourteen... {tah
>dum...}
>
>What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
>The good ol' boy raises livestock.
>The redneck gets emotionally involved.
>{Baaaahhhhhhdddddd sheep jokes, anyone??}
>
>What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!
>{usually heard at family reunions, but that's another story...}
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that
>she would send someone out right-a-way.
>
>Where do you live?" asked the operator.
>
>Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
>
>The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
>
>There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over
>to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>How do you know when you're stayin' in an Arkansas hotel?
>When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
>person at the front desk says "go ahead."
>
>
>How can you tell if a redneck is married?
>There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
>
>Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
>32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools...
>
>What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
>A documentary.
>
>What do they call it in Kentucky?
>"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
>
>{hey guys ... ol' John didn't put the place names here, someone else did.
>Send your geographical complaints to " I'm-only-doing-my-job@abused.com" }
>
>Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas.
>If it was invented anywhere else it have been called a teethbrush.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the
>driver,
>"Got any ID?"
>
>The driver says, "Bout what?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginny State Lottery?
>The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
>
>Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to North Carolina?
>Everyone has the same DNA.
>
>What's the best things to ever come out of Arkansas?
>I-40 & I-55.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other,
>and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray,
>what'cha got in th'bag?"


>
>"Jus' some chickens," sez Tommy Ray.
>
>"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
>
>"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
>
>"OK. Ummmmm, five?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Why do folks in Florida go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
>'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
>
>Whot do you get when you have 32 Willy Nelson fans in the same room?
>A full set of teeth.
>
>Wot has 93 teeth and 41 legs??
>Front row at a redneck country and western concert.

Error Messages
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
All computers wait at the same speed.
ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! Press ENTER to continue
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
 
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria - the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

OXYMORONS:
acute dullness act naturally Advanced BASIC airline food almost exactly alone together Amtrak schedule bittersweet boring court jester briefing British fashion business ethics butthead cafeteria food calm wind cardinal sin casual sex cheerleading scholarship childproof Christian Scientists civil engineer clean coal coal mine safety computer jock computer security clearly ambiguous clearly confused clearly misunderstood comfortably dressed conservative liberal conciliation court constant variable constructive attitude corporate conscience cowardly lion dangerously safe deafening silence definite maybe deliberately thoughtless democratic machine designer jeans diet ice cream divorce court domestic bliss double solitaire educational television effective compassion essential service even odds exact estimate extensive briefing extinct life family vacation fan fatale federal budget fish farm flexible ethics found missing free love freezer burn french deodorant fresh-frozen friendly fire friendly takeover funky white guy genuine imitation genuine imitation naughahide good grief good shit government organization guest host healthy chocolate hells angels holy war half naked home office humanitarian invasion idiot savant ill health industrial park instant classic intense apathy jumbo shrimp justice rehnquist larger half least favorite legally drunk light rock linear curve liquid gas lite beer little giants living dead long sleeved t-shirt loud librarian managed competition marital bliss Microsoft Works mild interest mild mannered reporter military intelligence minor crisis minor miracle misanthropic humanitarian modern history moral majority natural blonde new classic New York culture non-alcoholic beer non-alcoholic wine non-dairy creamer non-working mother normal deviation obscene art old news only choice on-time airplane on-time musical production on-time train open secret original copies original reprint oxymoron paid volunteer passive aggression peace offensive peacekeeper missile plastic glasses plastic silverware player coach player piano polite salesman political science post feminist postal service pretty ugly private citizen qualified success randomly organized rap music Reagan Democrat real potential religious tolerance republican party resident alien rock opera rolling stop rush hour sad clown safe sex sanitary landfill sanitary sewer same difference scheduled spontaneity scientific belief second best sensitive guy serious musician seriously funny silent scream simply superb small crowd socialist market economy soft rock software documentation standard deviation straight angle student athlete study outside successful suicide sweet sorrow sweet tart synthetic natural gas Tame cat taped live temporary tax increase terribly enjoyable terribly pleased tight slacks tragic comedy train schedule trial separation turbo diesel twelve-ounce pound cake unbiased opinion uncrowned king unhappily married united nations unsellable stock unsung hero vaguely aware virtual reality war games wholesome working vacation
 
 ------------------------------------------------
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
It works better if you plug it in.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section
was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.


Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
 
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
 
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
 
 What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

What is the difference between a peeping tom and a
robber? A robber snatches watches.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
================================
"Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
------------------------------------------------------------------
"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."
----------------------------------------------------------------
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."
----------------------------------------------------------------
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
----------------------------------------------------------------
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
------------------------------------------------------
Some Titles for Children’s Books:
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
--------------------------------------------------------------
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
- --Jackie Gleason
- ---------------------------
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- --Jay Leno
- ---------------------------
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- --Roger Simon
- ---------------------------
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
- --Marilyn Pittman
- ---------------------------
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
- --Lily Tomlin
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
 If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once this woman placed an ad in the local newspaper looking for a
suitable man.Then one day her door bell rang.She answered it and to
her dismay a man in a wheel chair with no arms and no legs was sitting
there.She says Can I Help You? He Says I'm here to answer your ad.She says
there must be a mistake. He says No Correct me If I'm wrong But this ad
says Your looking for someone who wont beat you and as you see I have no
arms,right? She says yea But..He says you also said you want someone who
wont run around on you and as you can see I don't have any legs,Right? She
says yea but I also said I want someone who's great in bed...He says Lady
how do you think I rang your door bell?
---------------------------------------------------
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, and finds
> out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of
> her
> first term as Senator . This cannot be. She calls home and immediately
>
> starts screaming at Bill: "How could you have let this happen? With all
>
> that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I
>
> can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
> pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got
> to
> say?"
> There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
> She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
> Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely
> audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
--------------------------------
Thoughts from CyBurrMonk:

What goes
Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop.


Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!


Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop.

>
>
>
>
Give Up Yet?
>

ANSWER: Its an Amish drive bye shooting
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some Blond Jokes

TO THE MOON ALICE

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking - one
blonde says to the other; "Which do you think is farther away, "Florida or
the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After working on it for a few minutes, the Beamer is idling
smoothly. She asks, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor Lady" The blonde quips, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET

An officer of the law stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Geez, it was just yesterday you take away my
license, and now today, you are expecting me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

A blonde is out for her daily walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo Missy!" she shouts, "How may I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river, then down the
river, and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING 101

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOooo,"!!! answered the
blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.



If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."



To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?"  You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me.  Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.



To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus
and a clown killed my dad.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but
it's just eggs hatching.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk?
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and
stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to
sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting
the vulture.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it
on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell
you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's
not.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got
scared.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me
a lot of money."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole
is reserved for skeletons."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So
I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the
last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YEAR'S BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES OF 2007
>
>
>                   Crack Found on Governor's Daughter                                 
>
>                   Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
>                   
>                   Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
>                  
>                   Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?                                     
>
>                   Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over            
>
>                   Miners Refuse to Work after Death                           
>
>                   Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant                                
>
>                   War Dims Hope for Peace                   
>
>                   If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile                                   
>
>                   Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
>                   
>                   Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide                                   
>
>                   Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges                   
>
>                   Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge                   
>
>                   New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group                   
>
>                   Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas  in Spacecraft                   
>
>                   Kids Make Nutritious Snacks                   
>
>                   Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half                   
>
>                   Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors                   
>
>                   And the winner is....
>
>                   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
====================================================

An Irishman walks into a pub, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
---------------------------------------------------------

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood
bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked
him if anything was wrong."I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied.
"Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop
doing his wife.""So stop!" the barkeep said."I can't," the womanizer
replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"

-----------------------------------------------------------
 

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that a repair man is coming to fix the dishwasher around noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home."Hello?" says a little girl's voice."Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?""No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!""Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!""Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.""Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy.""And what happened?""Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.""Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?""He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."There is a long pause. Finally Bob says, ''Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?''

=========================================

Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a penis."

============================================

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day. 

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob. 

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead." 

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" 

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

==================================================

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

==================================================

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."

"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
 

=====================================================

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I have to piss, can I squeeze past you?"

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm taking a shit instead."

=========================================================

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

 

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man asks the only other guy in the bar if he can buy him a drink. "Of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks him, "Where are you from?" "Ireland," replies the second. "I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round, to Ireland.""Cheers!" replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks. The first man asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink, to Dublin! Then the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replies the second. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and graduated in '65, too!" About this time another man sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender. "Not much," he replies. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

=====================================================================

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. "You have two choices of death," says the chief. "We either will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honorable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes." The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this shoots himself. The next man, a warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest. "I HOPE YOUR F—KING CANOE SINKS!"

==============================================================

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

=======================================================================

A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag over one shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up. "What's in the bag?" asks the bartender. The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a tiny baby grand piano, a small bench and a one-foot tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails. The little man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. "That's amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come from?"The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says, pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins rubbing it vigorously with his bar rag. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I grant you one wish," he says to the bartender."I want a million bucks!" says the bartender.

"Done." says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp. Moments pass. Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another, and another. They appear on the barstools, on the tables, on the Budweiser sign on thewall.POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill the bar! "Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn't say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!"

The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

=================================================================

A man goes into a pub and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don't think you should be drinking those so fast.""You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11."Well, what is it you have?"The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."

==================================================================

 

A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to tick his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story. "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door and high-tailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

================================================================

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like a telephone on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender "I would have never believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is there and is spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm just waiting for a fax."

================================================================

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

================================================================

One evening John O'Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night. Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.""Aye," she said, "and what was your toast?" "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!" he replied. "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?" "Aye," she said. "I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

============================================================

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of beer. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened. The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!"

===============================================================

There was a beautiful young woman who had a terrible problem. She suffered from an illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The problem was so serious that she could barely move her face. Fortunately, her doctor was able to prescribe medicine to help her condition. She was to use the lip balm only once per day. But she found it worked better if she used it more frequently. She soon returned to the doctor's office. The receptionist announced her arrival to the doctor:

"It's the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses."

=======================================================================

REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

==================================================================================================

A fairy princess dreamed of becoming a ballerina. One day, she read an announcement that the Royal Ballet would audition dancers. The auditions were in a nearby town. So, on the morning of the auditions, she tied 100 white pigeons to her chariot. The director noticed her dramatic entrance. He immediately told her to go home.

"Why?" cried the princess.


 

"We have enough pigeon-towed dancers already."
 

===============================================================

+What did George W. Bush get on his SAT score?
...Drool.
========================================
Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?

You didn't?! It's all over town!
=======================================
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."

==========================================================
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush, " his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
==================================================
Odie walks to work 20 blocks everyday and

passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window

to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

 After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes,

$300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance

in the church basement. Odie seizes this opportunity

to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,

'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Odie, I do wear

red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
 
Odie answers,’ I see the reflection in my new

$300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ‘Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

 Rosa answers, 'Yes, Odie, I do, but how do you know that?'

 He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Odie dances with many young ladies this evening and the same question is asked and answered by a very surprised

young lady each time.

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Odie asks Carmela to dance.

 Midway through the dance his face turns red...

 He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight.

 Please, please, tella me this true!'

 Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Odie,

I wear no panties tonight...'
 
Odie gasps, 'Thanka God ....

 I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!

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